BSNYC Friday Lumberjack Competition!

Published July 9, 2010 at 12:47 p.m.
As you're no doubt tired of hearing by now, a few weeks back I embarked upon a series of BRAs (or "Book-Related Appearances") in order to flog my book, the lazily-titled "Bike Snob," like it was a recalcitrant mule and I was an ornery prospector...In addition to these regularly-scheduled BRAs, I was also invited to appear at the Mountain View, CA campus of a popular search engine company, and the video of this appearance has now been uploaded to a popular video-sharing site owned by this company...If you'd like to watch this very special BRA-slash-airing-of-grievances you may do so by clicking here, though I will stop short of actually embedding the video since that would compromise my carefully-guarded anonymity...Instead, here is a doctored screenshot of the title card:

Please note that the popular search engine company opted not to include certain slides from my presentation--in particular this one, which was integral to the slideshow's "plot:"
They did, however, opt to leave my underarm sweat stains visible, despite the fact that they almost certainly possess the technology to eradicate them with a single keystroke...Nevertheless, I enjoyed the visit and presentation, and I even obtained some satisfaction with regard to my grievances thanks to a very helpful audience member...(It turns out it had nothing to do with the woman urinating on the turtle.)

In any case, as sort of a palate-cleanser after my own poor performance, here is "Morissey 2.0" with a ukulele singing about his stolen bicycle:



I may engage him as sort of an "opening act" for any future BRAs, if only to discourage excess attendance.
Meawhile, in the land where summer is winter, toilets flush backwards, deer are called "kangaroos," and Tour contenders are called "Cadel," "fixed-gear culture" is now exhibiting itself at shopping malls:


Unsurprisingly, it turns out that it slots in rather easily:



I guess "fixed-gear culture" is to "mall culture" as Ultegra cassettes are to Shimano-splined freehub bodies...(Without the multiple gear ratios, of course.)

So with that, I'm pleased to present you with a quiz...As always, study the item, think, and click on your answer...If you're right your head will explode with joy, and if you're wrong not only will "God" kill an Australian kitten, but you'll also see another stolen bike lament, forwarded by a reader.

Thanks very much for reading, ride safe, and may your lamentations be quickly assuaged by the dulcet tones of the ukulele.

--BSNYC/RTMS




(How much wood would a fakerjack chop if a fakerjack were strong enough to swing an axe?)
1) The Best Made Company's "bedazzled axe" ($180-$220) is in fact a Snow & Nealley Hudson Bay Camping Axe ($55-$75, head forged in China) with a painted handle.
--True--False





2) Prior to Stage 5 of this year's Tour de France, Alberto Contador gave former teammate Lance Armstrong:

--A watch
--An ultimatum--A vigorous "fingerbanging"--A Best Made Company bedazzled axe and a box of artisanal salami




(Whimsical illustration or "racist" caricature?)
3) Which American cyclist unwittingly uttered an "ethnic slur" against the French?
--Chris Horner--Tyler Farrar--Dave Zabriskie--Thor Hushovd





4) "Cinch up those skates 'cause there's ice now in Hell." Team Katusha rider Vladimir Karpets has finally cut off his trademark:
--Mullet--Rattail--Devilock--Foreskin







5) "Move over, mountain bikes!" The latest department store offering is the:

--Cyclocross bike--Triathlon bike
--Children's Recumbent Trike
--Children's unicycle







6) The latest in crabon fribé technology is the:

--Crabon 11-speed chain--Crabon 11-speed cassette--Crabon fixed-gear lockring
--Crabon toilet and bidet set






7) Fixed-gear crowd surfing is the next big thing.

--True
--False





***Special Craigslist Missed-Connection-With-The-Messiah-Themed Bonus Question***

(Fingerbang Christ)
Which evidence in a recent Craigslist post indicates that the poster is actually Jesus Christ?
--He says he rides on water--He says he turns water into PBR--It's full of beatitudes--It contains strong anti-Pharisees sentiments



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